Sorry...An abusers apology
by Calgary M
Preface.
In 1998 I left my wife. Needless to say this was a very emotional time for
both of us. Since our seperation my wife and I have found the thing we
lost. Our friendship. At least we have been able to do this. During these
times one tends to evaluate the "whatifs" and of course the nasty "whys".
The last year has been an incredible soul searching journey for myself,
and I have discovered many good things about myself and about my shattered
marriage. One can not help but to find the one thing that sticks out. The
thing that identifies itself as the cause. If I can just find the cause
maybe we can go back. But during this examination I have found not one,
but many "causes", all intertwined. Of course when you see some possible
causes you stop to take it apart and look at it closely. And of course the
popular sport these days is to over analyze. And when this happens you are
bound to be packing your bags, cause bud, your going on a trip of the
guilt variety. Some of these trips can be caused by our current
environment, like watching TV or reading a book.This "poem" was inspired
by such a happening. The topic of spousal abuse popped up at a social
gathering and I began to wonder. When I was together I never beat up my
wife, slapped her or in my opinion abused her in any way. But I started
thinking about arguements or discussions that we had. I started to try and
remember everything. The way I was dressed, did I yell, did I hound her
until she relented, did I badger or nag her. I'm 6'1", and am sure a
little imposing when compared to my wifes 5'4", 100lb frame. Yes I did
those things. I never beat her. But I wondered how she felt when she
argued with me when all she really wanted was to be left alone for a while
to gather her thoughts or maybe just to lose herself so that she may
settle down and think more clearly. Maybe the way she felt was the same as
if I would have just hit her. Could I be responsible to cause such a
horrible and helpless feeling within her. We have all heard of the
saying,"it's not whether it is true, but just as important, is the
perception of it being true". I don't know how she felt during those
times, and the thought of it being possible that she had the same feelings
as a woman being abused,causes a sadness within me that no language could
describe. It's these thoughts that have inspired the following. Sorry. An Abuser’s Apology Sorry for the names and games
The fact I lost your respect
For being the messenger of your pain
By making you cry With my anger and rage
Not there to drink your tears dry
Blinded by the way love should be at it’s age
Not knowing how to get there Sorry for being me and not more
The blue sky the wrong shade
And flowers with ugly faces
Mistakenly given at the wrong time With my queries from paranoia
Giving birth to hate and hurtful stares
Not knowing it’s just a story
Thinking that life is the unreal Sorry for standing you down
Wondering where to go
Protecting something that doesn’t exist
Kissing a dozen roses is what I feel Some journeys are made over years
Balanced by lost tears
Ending at the beginning with no change
Knowing they never will 1998
M.J.S | 
